Some Observations During Lockdown

It is Day 24 of lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It is a new experience for all of us, and we are all coping with it in our own ways. I joked early on that social distancing is pretty normal for me anyway, but I think I did myself a disservice. Of course, I’m not immune to the changes brought on by the lockdown. Instead of big changes to my lifestyle, however, they are more subtle for me. They have surfaced more slowly.

I have spent everyday indulging in fun hobbies, to the detriment of some responsibilities. I still work, cook, and do chores. But I have not engaged in religious practice in two weeks. I haven’t written in my journal or picked up any sewing. I haven’t opened a book except if it relates to tabletop RPGs, which I’m thinking and talking about constantly. I fill my time playing video games. I’ve recorded a video and made worldbuilding progress for a fictional world. I’m escaping hardcore into fiction.

I think this hyperfocus is my form of managing my stress. Because despite only slight changes to my lifestyle, the lockdown has caused me stress. Dan and I have had to postpone our wedding to next year. Then the courthouses extended their closure date to May 22, so an immediate legal marriage isn’t happening, either. We have no idea if we will be refunded the money we spent on our honeymoon, which we booked well before the virus left China. And we won’t know until three days before our scheduled flight.

The first couple weeks of isolation were a novelty. I enjoyed working from home, having a freer schedule, and being around Dan all the time. But that was March. Right now, April feels a little bit like limbo. I’m waiting — and tired of waiting. I’m working — and tired of working. I have a vacation scheduled for the beginning of May that I desperately need. (It was the vacation time allotted to our wedding and honeymoon. It was two weeks long; I shortened it to one week, and it still hurts to think about. So I try very hard not to think about it.)

I’m tired of dressing in pajamas all the time. I miss my clothes. I miss dressing up in fun or cute outfits, doing my hair, and wearing makeup. I miss being the best dressed person anywhere. I think I need to wear non-lounge clothes at least a few days a week so I can recapture, then retain, some semblance of normalcy and dignity.

The season has shifted. My Seasonal Affective Disorder has retreated for now, and I have so much energy and drive to do things. Which makes it hard to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I would previously burn this energy by stepping outside of my apartment (yes, this drains me), but since I am inside it almost all the time, I am always fully charged. It’s actually great, except that I regularly go to bed later than I should.

My meal plan is completely haphazard now. Dan and I cook whatever we feel like cooking on a whim. Half the time, we order delivery anyway. I don’t meal prep on Sundays anymore; Dan and I simply cook in the evenings whenever we run out of leftovers. I still haven’t figured out what I would most like to eat for breakfast and lunch if no leftovers are available. But I’m surprisingly not bothered by it. I like that we’re cooking together more. I like not worrying about a lack of time in the evenings.

I wonder how I’ll feel at Day 48.

One comment

  1. Courage. There is no right or wrong when it comes to staying safe and trying to retain one’s grip on reality in this situation. If you’re escaping more and not being productive, it’s a very normal response to trauma, and I truly don’t believe you deserve to feel guilty or shame about that.

    I’m still so sad about your wedding situation. What a stressful outcome, but I hope everything ends up working out for the best.

    Stay safe and best wishes to both you and Dan.

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