It is Day 141 of lockdown.

In truth, the world is not really locked down anymore. Some businesses are open now in the United States, though they shouldn’t be. I’m rock climbing again, but not as frequently as I did before the pandemic. We’ve visited our parents, but not our friends. Dan recently drove to work to help prepare the campus for the upcoming fall semester, but he attends all of his meetings from home. I will continue to work from home everyday for the rest of the year.

Dan and I married at the courthouse last Thursday. My emotions are mixed. I am relieved, of course, above all else: I am finally, legally married to my best friend, and we can now move on with our life together instead of waiting in anxiety-inducing limbo. I mailed out my name change application yesterday. Once I get my new Social Security card back in two weeks, I can change my name everywhere else: driver’s license, passport, but most importantly at my bank and my credit union. Then Dan and I can consolidate our finances and finally, finally start looking for a house.

But I cannot help the disappointment I still have over the fact that COVID-19 totally upended our initial wedding plans. I wanted something so different than a 15-minute courthouse marriage. And now Dan and I are prepared to postpone our church wedding and hotel reception again since there’s no guarantee we will be recovered enough from this pandemic by next April. I think I’m still grieving what could have been, and I’m feeling incomplete now because we both want our future wedding celebration to be the date and event that truly matter.

In other news, I have put too many projects and activities on my plate, and I’ve been struggling all summer to juggle them. Some of them have ended or are ending this month, so that will be a big relief for me. But it’s a reminder of my terrible tendency to want to do too many things. When this summer is over, I am going to enforce stricter boundaries with myself. I have to, if I want to stay sane.

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